10 Ways to Feel More Secure

Published 16 July 2012

Being insecure can be one of the most debilitating feelings. It is when we constantly look to others to feel good about who we are or question ourselves when others don’t always do and say the right things. Insecure people are fragile, easily shaken and offended, and usually lack self-confidence. All of this then makes life complicated and less enjoyable, as they have to continually seek others for approval.

Someone who is secure, however, doesn’t always need other people’s good opinion. They are free from self-conscious anxiety, and are less likely to be hurt or upset by other people’s words and actions. They are able to consider constructive criticism while being sure of who they are.

Here are some tips to becoming more secure:

1. Don’t ever let how someone treats you define your worth.

Not everyone we meet will treat us right, but that is an issue with them, not us. It is important not to let how someone treats us dictate how we feel about ourselves, but to be confident enough to separate the two. If someone treats you badly, it is a reflection of their problems, not an indication of yours.

2. Try not to compare yourself with others.

While it’s okay to want to be a better person, constantly comparing yourself with others will usually only cause you to feel inadequate and doubt. Everyone has something to offer, including you, and just because what you have to give may be different to others doesn’t make it any less valuable.

3. Surround yourself with positive people.

It’s good to be secure enough to withstand people who attack you, but you never have to deliberately spend time with them. Instead, surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you and encourage you to be all you can be.

4. Be confident even if you don’t feel confident.

Everyone has strengths and weaknesses – be confident in what you can do. Look people in the eye when you’re talking to them, try new things, develop your skills – if people see you’re confident in what you’re doing, they will come to respect you more, even if not everything you do is perfect. 

5. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes.

We all make mistakes. What’s important is that we still take risks, and accept mistakes as part of the process. They don’t have to define us. Just because we fail sometimes doesn’t make us failures; we only truly fail when we give up and let our mistakes overwhelm us.

6. Speak positively to yourself.

Don’t condemn yourself with negative thoughts like ‘I’m such a loser’, ‘I can’t do this’, and ‘What he/she said about me is true – I can’t do anything right’. Rather, be kind to yourself with what you say. Thinking positive thoughts like ‘I can do this’, ‘I know that didn’t go to plan but I can still make this work’, and ‘I’m doing okay’, will help you to feel more secure.

7. Don’t let the past define your future.

Things may not have worked out in the past, and people may not have treated you well, but don’t let what happened yesterday cast a shadow over your today. Draw the line in the sand, and make a decision to put it behind you. Whatever happened that caused a wound then does not have to define your worth now.

8. Identify what you’re afraid of.

Insecure people are usually afraid of something – not getting someone’s approval, being found out as a failure or a worthless person, being hurt, and much more. Identifying the fear and either facing it or realising it’s not credible can help loosen insecurity’s grip and create a sense of emotional safety.  

9. Be honest about how you’re feeling.

Insecurities frequently cause problems in relationships, but by being able to talk about why you’re feeling insecure, you empower the other person to help and support you. Helping them to understand also validates the way you’re feeling, and that in itself can be healing.

10. Realise that you’re not alone.

A lot of people feel insecure. For some, it’s a passing moment. For others, it’s a constant state in which they have to work hard to feel okay about themselves. But either way you’re not alone. People will always have doubts and second thoughts about themselves – what makes the difference is whether or not you choose to dwell in those thoughts, or to overcome them.

While getting totally secure takes time and work, it is freeing. It liberates you from needing other people’s approval, from anxiety, negative thoughts and self-doubt, thereby giving you room to live life to the full.